A Memory...

Every single time,
Every single Thursday night,
It's the same loop
Deja vu doesn't justify,
Repetition doesn't either
Cuz it's a little sharper everytime;
Just a little sharper.
It crawls from over my eyelids into my eyes, and all the way through to my heart
And agonizingly pierces the thin film of recovery
That has just started to blanket my sore heart.
And there,
I fail again.

Emergency
Numb
Nothing
Numb
Nothing
Numb

I bow my head down, fighting away the gush of tears that would break lose
If I just let one droplet sneak out.
But,
That's not me.
That's not the girl I know.
That's not the person I could dare to be.
How will I fight the everyday battles
If I collapsed right here?
So I bold it out as I break down within
And walk back home
Seemingly unaware
Untouched
Unaltered 
By the deep, dark, blood-red memory of the girl inside.

And I wonder
How long will this continue?

A Victim of Violence...

I want to breathe
I want to breathe out loud,
I want this air around me to feel the weight on my heart
I want my feelings to flow out
Let it rush out like blood would gush out of a life-vein cut open
Like hot burning magma would erupt out of a mountain!
I want these emotions to destroy everything around
Like a merciless tornado would do to flimsy camps
Blow every fragment far away, unimaginably unrecoverable!
Completely blasted, devastated, toasted, wasted!
I want these bloodsucking androids on this planet
To jumble their commands and suck on their own commandants!
I want to pull my hair off and SHRIEK OUT LOUD!!!!
I want my deafening scream to strike like lightening
And pierce through every tyrant's treasured soul cravings.
I want to see their worlds fallin' apart
I want to see them losing their joys
Bawl at their losses and miseries
Howl over their fate!
Like mad moon wolves set on the Sun!

Listen Lord,
Spare no flower in this cruel world
Burn these leaves to ashes!
Take away the rainbows, the colours!
Blow away those clouds of Your mercy!
Let the Sun shine down with its intense fury!
I want everything to burn down
Melt down,
Break down,
Disappear!!
I want my curse to overpower every prayer
Oh please!!
Forget them the way I'm forgotten by them
The way I'm forsaken, forsake them!

I'm waiting for 'The End' 
Of every single bit in this universe
And SELF.

This rage probably comes out from the heart of every single child suffering the violence of cruel so-called human beings around the world
Starting from Falasteen and Afghanistan
Spreading out to Haiti, Iraq and Pakistan
Perhaps from Bahrain, Libya and Iran
And every forsaken soul in Kashmir and Sheeshaan
And many other unnamed states and towns around the globe

Be kind

Give love and joy to Allah's creation. 

And when you choose to do so, don't base your treatment on their character or status;

instead, 

give them love and joy like the Prophet (SAW) taught you to. 

Be kind, regardless of who they are.

The Massacre of Innocence

"Today I close my eyes
Today I drain out the worldly worries
No more Math, no more Science
Only heaven and its fragrance divine"

.....

I'm shot in my chest, but it isn't hurting
My heartbeat is fading, but I'm still praying
Forgive my mistakes and all the times I teased my mom
All the times I under-performed and let my papa down

I've been one crazy student and have troubled my teachers
But what I wouldn't give to save one of these martyrs
All my training, all these years; they flash before my eyes
Who knew I'd be martyred in my school aisles?

I see my best friend lying stationary there
My teacher, shes's burning! She's inside those flames
My classmates frantically running to save whoever they could
I see my friends become soldiers even before they should

Dear God, You've seen whoever these assassins are
They're wearing their masks but they're unveiled to Your eyes
Their hearts, their brains, their bodies, their hands
The entirety of these cowards roaring through their curtains

You know the culprits who're behind this massacre of innocence
Their thoughts, their plans, their censored filthy missions.
So when You choose to tighten the grip that You've loosened
Please spare their kids, their aged and their women

Cuz I have read that our Prophet (SAW) warned us in their regard
Never to harm the innocent even amidst the wildest war
Whether Muslims, Christians, Hindus, Buddhists or Jews
Women, kids and elderly are to be kept safe and secure

Oh but tonight, Ya Allah! Your Heaven will be crowded
And although I'm grateful that this worldly life ended
Please ease the pain of my parents and beloved
Please heal the ones who've been mercilessly wounded

Pakistan - The Land of The Pure

Here's the answer to every wondering mind....

Invisible

I like people from a distance;
Giggling, laughing, joking, teasing, playing....doing anything beautiful, just being themselves...not pretending to be someone else, not being proud or arrogant, not belittling or ridiculing anyone...just being themselves.
There are people who pretend to be someone else for pleasing others..the plastic faces: then there are people who completely transform their personalities just to fit in...they humble me. They are The Great ones....but they secretly live a rather sad life.

I cant be either of the two; I cant play a different role for long, neither can I kill my entirety just to fit in. I like me, a bit of me... atleast to the point that I dont want to lose my that particular self. I treasure my solitude, I love my relationship with my certain thoughts and words. Its sad, but beautiful. And its the only place on this wide planet where I can be myself with complete freedom, well, almost. Its the only place where Im an extrovert and I talk. Elsewhere its just a mute me responding briefly. I dont share interests with most people, and therefore never break the ice. I cant initiate, I dont initiate.
And lately, I fail to take interest in anything at all. Im too shattered to get hurt any further or bother to stand back up. I dont want to take part in anything, nothing at all...
Im safe down here - invisible, unreachable, at a distance - watching people as they ride their roller coasters...

But I can't stay here, can I?
No.

But I loved this moment of peace & silence...
My brain rested.

Backgrounds

Its strange how much life changes overtime...
The people you used to love crazily once fade away into the background...those serene colours melt away and you barely notice their presence in your practical life. Its the people in foreground that capture your time and most of your conscious existence. You, more appropriately, live life for them...even if a part of you has already faded away with the background; you continue to live shallow practical life...
With these fluorescent, unmatched colours
Alien to the pale you within.
So daring to fit in
So inappropriate
So un-okay
So......frustrating, if you think about it.
But you think...
And your thoughts lead you back to where you belong...
To that silence
Serenity
Calm, peaceful conversations
No arguments, only discussions
Smiles, LOLs, tears - tears of joy, dim glistening light...just like when the dawn breaks
Scented breeze, as if you were in a meadow of jasmines and lavenders
The background shines through your imagination...
It overtakes you for a while
You find your tiny piece of heaven there.
You smile
Your smile turns into laughter
And your laughter goes wild
Converting into gush of uncontrollable tears
And you weep,
You weep in silence;
While a part of you mutely screams in agony.
You know its the same people
You wish you could relive the background
But backgrounds are backgrounds
They are meant to fade.
But they only fade,
Never do they disappear.
And in their remote silence,
They stay right there within your sight;
Going unnoticed most of the time
But your subconscious self keeps it right in focus.
And those faded pale colours cast a deep dark shadow on your soul whenever they eclipse your heart.

Snap back to reality.
This deserves gratitude.
This is what has carried me till today.
This is me now
And this is how it was supposed to be.
And Im grateful for this.